Mind Games

In a day, I will have many ideas in which I feel I want to "Blog" about, ideas people may even give a shit about. I also always think that I want to stop with the discretion, I want to be able to write almost anything I want without it being held against me. But I forget all the things I had planned on writing about and so that leaves me here. Starting yesterday, I have been having a whole much on mini-panic attacks, not fun, to say the least. Right now, I am fine and can talk about it without freaking out. When I got home from the one class I went for yesterday, I got home and just completely freaked out and got really scared and had some crazy anxiety. I got really hyper and ripped off my sweater and frantically walked around the house talking to myself, not to mention throwing some books around. What scared me the most in those few moments was that no one was around. I couldn't get a hold of anyone and that really fucking scared me. So I spent the day vegging on the couch trying to calm down and keep my mind off of anything that might freak me out. Then my mom got home and it started all again because I didn't know whether to tell her what had happened or just deal with it, but as soon as she walked in the door, the water works started and I couldn't stop myself from telling her everything. I had also made a frantic call toy Aunt Donna and had to call back and tell her it was just a moment of despair. I've had these little freak-outs before, but not to this extreme of having them every few minutes and feeling as if I will pass out any minute. I could only draw one conclusion: the birth control I had started about three weeks ago was really fucking with me. Birth control pills aren't meant to do that, but I just think my body cannot take it. This all repeated last night and this morning and I am finally somewhat calm. Getting on the net and playing some loud music has taken me away from that shit in my mind...for now. I have missed a lot of school and that worries me, actually the fact that I've missed so much math is what scares me, everything else is easy peasy.

i'm out