Keeping Peace of Mind

School for the first time in 9 days (not including the weekend). When I walked in the doors, I felt dirty and scared...this is not normal. I went to see if any friends were wandering around, lo and behold, Jessica was in the common area, and I am very glad that she is the first one I saw. But I couldn't contain my mixed up feelings and just started bawling. Mason saw Jessica rush me away and he came to see what was up. He came and sat me down and held my hand and got me to tell them the just of the shit going down. He said he had never seen me so worked up and scared! And this was not my worst moment. Then, I was fine! But the reason I am sitting here in class Blogging is because I am trying to keep my mind off of stuff. I've been reading a lot of literature on this anxiety shit. I definitely has a full out disorder. Yay. I am very angry with my doctor, I mean c'mon, I asked if there were any side effects, she knows my anxiety problems and there had been a history of people having this problem, and who knows, I might be permanently fucked in the head. This day is feeling infinite at the moment, like it may never end. That's a big part of what is fucking with my head, the longness of the day. One thing I read was that emercing yourself into your fear is the best thing you can do for your fear. Show it that you control and you can deal with it. Also, give the fear 20 seconds of your time and then forget about it. I also had a cousin of my dad's (Virginia) tell me about this tapping technique, it's like acupunction at home called EFT. I am gradually learning that and I hope that it becomes a very useful tool. Also, her daughter (Jennie) has very intense anxiety/panic attacks and told me about this natural powder called Inositol, which I plan on buying tonight, she told me it just stops your attacks, some chemical in the Inositol just stops that activity from taking over your mind.
i'm out

Mind Games #2

Last post was Tuesday, today is Sunday. I spent the week at home, I lost my appetite and would just sit around all day worrying, feeling sick, freaking out. This week was probably one of the hardest weeks of my life. I have never felt so helpless and scared! I am pretty much back to normal, or at least I was. I started feeling a hell of a lot better on Friday and had a pretty good sleep that night, which hadn't happened ALL week. Nicole and Catrin are here from Germany, so that is incentive to be lively because I don't want to be a Debbie-Downer while they're here. Lastnight I was feeling panicky and freaked out again. Probably because my mom and aunt are now is a little fight, which is really upsetting me. It's mostly upsetting me because my Aunt is just so...controlling and has no sense of how she is effecting the people around her. I find people like that just hard to be around. She's usually fine, but yesterday my mom just began to get very frustrated with that and we sort of stormed out of her house lastnight, she pretty much kicked us out. See, our extra bedroom is being occupied by a border, and so Nicole and Catrin couldn't stay here and we asked Aunt Jane if they could stay with her. She said yes and didn't seem bothered by it. But now, she has just taken over. Planning EVERYTHING and just being like what we should be to them. I mean, really, we housed Nicole for a year and she's OUR family, not Jane's, although Jane was part of her life when she was here. I am also upset because I think she's very lonely, even though she has a great husband, she takes him for granted, BIG TIME! She bosses him around and talks about him behind his back and is just a bitch about him. I feel bad for him. But I love my Aunt and I hate, HATE seeing relatives arguing, it just makes me really upset and depressed because something could happen and they'd regret saying whatever they had said. Life is too short and people should just fucking deal with people's faults, unless it's something like being a natural born killer, if you get along most of the time, just fucking deal. I value people and family way to much to be bothered, although people seem to think I am a drama queen and over react, the truth is that I am pretty damn laid back. Just...FUCK I AM TIRED OF ALL THIS SHIT!

i'm out

Mind Games

In a day, I will have many ideas in which I feel I want to "Blog" about, ideas people may even give a shit about. I also always think that I want to stop with the discretion, I want to be able to write almost anything I want without it being held against me. But I forget all the things I had planned on writing about and so that leaves me here. Starting yesterday, I have been having a whole much on mini-panic attacks, not fun, to say the least. Right now, I am fine and can talk about it without freaking out. When I got home from the one class I went for yesterday, I got home and just completely freaked out and got really scared and had some crazy anxiety. I got really hyper and ripped off my sweater and frantically walked around the house talking to myself, not to mention throwing some books around. What scared me the most in those few moments was that no one was around. I couldn't get a hold of anyone and that really fucking scared me. So I spent the day vegging on the couch trying to calm down and keep my mind off of anything that might freak me out. Then my mom got home and it started all again because I didn't know whether to tell her what had happened or just deal with it, but as soon as she walked in the door, the water works started and I couldn't stop myself from telling her everything. I had also made a frantic call toy Aunt Donna and had to call back and tell her it was just a moment of despair. I've had these little freak-outs before, but not to this extreme of having them every few minutes and feeling as if I will pass out any minute. I could only draw one conclusion: the birth control I had started about three weeks ago was really fucking with me. Birth control pills aren't meant to do that, but I just think my body cannot take it. This all repeated last night and this morning and I am finally somewhat calm. Getting on the net and playing some loud music has taken me away from that shit in my mind...for now. I have missed a lot of school and that worries me, actually the fact that I've missed so much math is what scares me, everything else is easy peasy.

i'm out

The Chills

Being cold is infact extremely miserable. Quite literally miserable. I will take the cold over excruciating heat, but living in the cold, without hot water for 2 days is not my idea of fun. It is 8pm and the heating guys have been in my house since 3pm, and I have been alone. It's sort of awkward, to say the least. I am sitting here in a hat, scarf, and a big sweater with two heaters running on full blast and my fingers are still like Popsicles. And not to mention my door just randomly opened, very slowly and scared the shit out of me. Jeeeeeze. All I want to do right now is either crawl into bed, which I don't really want to do with 5 strange men in my house, or have a bath...same dilemma. I smell like Sarah L'allier, she has good smells to choose from. We hung out at her place during spare just shooting the breeze whilst I was taunting her cat. Although, anyone who knows me knows that I love cats, and so therefore was hugging it. My mom should be rolling up soon and providing me with company and alcohol? That would be nice of her. Oh...

"Indie" World

I've noticed, quite recently, that "Indie" is the new thing. Everything is "Indie" now a days: Movies, Music, Clothing! It all started with music, music and its "Independent" label. What gives? Sure, its a good idea, let bands whom aren't as well known be known and given fame they may not have had. Cool, right? Yeah. Arcade Fire, to me, is what "Indie" music is all about. But nowadays, all of it sounds the same. The word is thoroughly over used and I actually cringe when I hear it said. Just now, I was reading a blog by a fellow blogger and it was a list of movies, and something she said was "Indie Movies!" which got me on this rant. It just sounds so...not cool anymore. Like, OK, yeah, things are "Indie", but I think people should stop with the slang and just say "Oh, yeah, that movie done by that 'Independent' film company...". One more thing, notice how all the bands which classify themselves as "Indie" pretty much all sound the same? Yeah! Since when did bands like "Paramore" (whom I don't even know) become classified in this category. They suck...I think, the name says it all. I'm sorry, I'm really opinionated when it comes to music etc...

Any who...tell me what you think....and stop saying "INDIE"!

- Lauren

Whisper Talkers

I was sitting in anthropology, and a friend of mine was saying something to me but she was whispering. Yes, the teacher was talking and she didn't have any other option...but there is whispering and there is whispering so someone can hear you. It made me think that that would have made a hilarious bit to do for a stand up comic. Its utterly hilarious! So of course you're just supposed to nod along because you don't want to be like "wha....? whaaaa...?" the whole time...so you say "oh yeah...yeah...uhu, i agree..." so they think you know what their talking about...BUT YOU DON'T! It just made me chuckle to myself...oh man. Another thing that makes me laugh is people looking over someone elses' shoulder and then get all defensive if the person tells them that they know you were looking over their shoulder. People are an odd species I tell you, I do not get them!
- so long for now,
L

Popularity

Popularity. One word with so much unneeded weight. Come to my school, meet the rich and famous "lulu lemon" wearing, "like nigga" saying, "sports come natural to me" people. I don't want to sound like a total bitch, because the truth of the matter is that I am not one, but those people are actually the scum of the school. Or at least what they represent. I know most of them are probably not terrible people, but the thing is that they travel and packs who all attack together. But when you corner them, they're actually really nice people because they are actually quite spineless on their own. Maybe to some people this sounds like just a mean rant and by someone is potentially jealous, but the truth is I am no where near jealous of those meathead, cell phone loving, hot bodies. Some are my 'friends', so I can't be too harsh, but some I just cannot stand! It makes me so sad to think that these people are going to be in our world doing who knows what and only think about themselves, money and the way people see them. Then there is the whole cell phone issue, but thats not just the pops, thats pretty much everyone I know. I think me and some of my friends are the only ones at my school with out cell phones. How sad much? VERY! Cellphones have taken over my school and probably like every highschool in North America. SADDDD! Our world is going to hell in a hand basket. But thats a whole different blog.