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Seven Days

Grade 12. Easy to say, not so easily done. No one is happy. I have heard Grade 12 referred to as "the greatest year of your high school experience!" this, my friend, is BULL SHIT. Maybe it wasn't for you, maybe you had a hell of a time getting wasted and smoking up your house and you were just careless. For me and most of my friends, this year has already been a waste of time. Personally, I have never liked school. Sure, I have had my fun with band and going on trips and meeting some good people and sometimes learning something useful (which is rare). I have been in school for practically 14yrs of my 18yr life. That's weird to think. School is so fucked up. I feel like a loony in a loony bin when I am there. I feel like cattle. Sure, I am extremely nervous about getting out into the real world and shit, but I am just so SICK AND TIRED of this shit. And I am not the only one who feels like this. Most of my friends are going through this too. All of us are having emotional break downs, I know I did. (Oh, about that, I am feeling better now, not having as many moments. I still find it hard to make it through the day at school and therefore I am allowed to come later.) People are on anti-depressants, people are getting help, people don't know HOW to slow the hell down. Jesus! People think they always have to be busy and crazy doing stuff, that's not the case. You're ALLOWED to relax! I have just begun to learn that, and not in a lazy way, but because my mind and my body were going different directions and I was forced to not think as much and take some time. Take this example: I have not hung out with my friends, in a group, for...well at least since the summer. And so I was throwing out the idea of an xmas party, not too much to ask I don't think. Well some people just don't know when to stop and put school infront of everything, and if they're not at school, they're with their boyfriend. I mean, if I had a boyfriend, I may be like that too...but...all I wanted was to have a good time with all my friends FOR ONCE. I am scared that once the end of the year rolls around, everyone will be all "I'm too busy to go to an end of the year party" or "i'm already going to another awesome party and you're not invited". I don't think people understand that after this year, I might never see some of them again. Once this school year is complete, I AM OUTTA HERE! Lastnight I was thinking extremely depressing thoughts of not seeing these people's faces anymore. It just made me so sad.

Shit, I'm out.

aim to be

I have discovered awesome websites over the last while, both on my own and recommended by friends. One of them being www.music-map.com and www.gnoosic.com. These websites are definitely on my top 10 picks for awesome websites. Through these two, I have discovered A LOT of music. Almost 60 bands I'd say. Lately I've been delving into the world of atmospheric music, such as Air, Balmorhea, Stars of the Lid, so I was searching for more bands like this. I found Aim, and I love them, but they were so hard to find on limewire! I only found 2 songs to download, which sucked. But they're really good and...I don't know, listen for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52eUGIwgPgI

Tell me what you think.

I'm out.

Mind Games #3

11th day home.

Right now I am feeling somewhat normal, back to my old self -kind of. I woke up feeling amazing, hungry, but fine. Hunger has taken on a new meaning for me. During this whole ordeal I have been un-able to really eat anything. I am hungry but it either won't stay down or there is nothing I want to eat and as a result of this, I am very weak. Not as weak as I have been because I have eaten a wee bit today and I have taken vitamins. The truth is, I don't want to go back to school. It's an environment I no longer feel comfortable in and I feel so much pressure there. That is causing me a lot of these anxiety feelings in this moment. My mind was fine until I started thinking about school again. I took today off because it was a whole day, but I am pretty sure I will attempt to go back tomorrow because I have spare last and I can come home and chill. Although that had been my plan yesterday and I just ended up freaking out and basically sent home. I have spoken to all of my teachers, two of them are more like friends than teachers and they completely understand the shit I am going through. When I say completely, I don't mean completely, no one, not even me, really gets the shit going through my head these days. I am excited to see my dad this weekend, but I am nervous to go and then come back and have to go to school for a whole week! I wish I could just graduate now and get it over with. But at the same time, I am very nervous to move on with life. I just want to get these problems fixed, I don't want to feel this enormous pressure all the time. I don't even know what the pressure is, I just know I am not comfortable anywhere or doing anything anymore. I feel trapped in my body and like I may just explode someday. Soon.

i'm out.

Keeping Peace of Mind

School for the first time in 9 days (not including the weekend). When I walked in the doors, I felt dirty and scared...this is not normal. I went to see if any friends were wandering around, lo and behold, Jessica was in the common area, and I am very glad that she is the first one I saw. But I couldn't contain my mixed up feelings and just started bawling. Mason saw Jessica rush me away and he came to see what was up. He came and sat me down and held my hand and got me to tell them the just of the shit going down. He said he had never seen me so worked up and scared! And this was not my worst moment. Then, I was fine! But the reason I am sitting here in class Blogging is because I am trying to keep my mind off of stuff. I've been reading a lot of literature on this anxiety shit. I definitely has a full out disorder. Yay. I am very angry with my doctor, I mean c'mon, I asked if there were any side effects, she knows my anxiety problems and there had been a history of people having this problem, and who knows, I might be permanently fucked in the head. This day is feeling infinite at the moment, like it may never end. That's a big part of what is fucking with my head, the longness of the day. One thing I read was that emercing yourself into your fear is the best thing you can do for your fear. Show it that you control and you can deal with it. Also, give the fear 20 seconds of your time and then forget about it. I also had a cousin of my dad's (Virginia) tell me about this tapping technique, it's like acupunction at home called EFT. I am gradually learning that and I hope that it becomes a very useful tool. Also, her daughter (Jennie) has very intense anxiety/panic attacks and told me about this natural powder called Inositol, which I plan on buying tonight, she told me it just stops your attacks, some chemical in the Inositol just stops that activity from taking over your mind.
i'm out

Mind Games #2

Last post was Tuesday, today is Sunday. I spent the week at home, I lost my appetite and would just sit around all day worrying, feeling sick, freaking out. This week was probably one of the hardest weeks of my life. I have never felt so helpless and scared! I am pretty much back to normal, or at least I was. I started feeling a hell of a lot better on Friday and had a pretty good sleep that night, which hadn't happened ALL week. Nicole and Catrin are here from Germany, so that is incentive to be lively because I don't want to be a Debbie-Downer while they're here. Lastnight I was feeling panicky and freaked out again. Probably because my mom and aunt are now is a little fight, which is really upsetting me. It's mostly upsetting me because my Aunt is just so...controlling and has no sense of how she is effecting the people around her. I find people like that just hard to be around. She's usually fine, but yesterday my mom just began to get very frustrated with that and we sort of stormed out of her house lastnight, she pretty much kicked us out. See, our extra bedroom is being occupied by a border, and so Nicole and Catrin couldn't stay here and we asked Aunt Jane if they could stay with her. She said yes and didn't seem bothered by it. But now, she has just taken over. Planning EVERYTHING and just being like what we should be to them. I mean, really, we housed Nicole for a year and she's OUR family, not Jane's, although Jane was part of her life when she was here. I am also upset because I think she's very lonely, even though she has a great husband, she takes him for granted, BIG TIME! She bosses him around and talks about him behind his back and is just a bitch about him. I feel bad for him. But I love my Aunt and I hate, HATE seeing relatives arguing, it just makes me really upset and depressed because something could happen and they'd regret saying whatever they had said. Life is too short and people should just fucking deal with people's faults, unless it's something like being a natural born killer, if you get along most of the time, just fucking deal. I value people and family way to much to be bothered, although people seem to think I am a drama queen and over react, the truth is that I am pretty damn laid back. Just...FUCK I AM TIRED OF ALL THIS SHIT!

i'm out

Mind Games

In a day, I will have many ideas in which I feel I want to "Blog" about, ideas people may even give a shit about. I also always think that I want to stop with the discretion, I want to be able to write almost anything I want without it being held against me. But I forget all the things I had planned on writing about and so that leaves me here. Starting yesterday, I have been having a whole much on mini-panic attacks, not fun, to say the least. Right now, I am fine and can talk about it without freaking out. When I got home from the one class I went for yesterday, I got home and just completely freaked out and got really scared and had some crazy anxiety. I got really hyper and ripped off my sweater and frantically walked around the house talking to myself, not to mention throwing some books around. What scared me the most in those few moments was that no one was around. I couldn't get a hold of anyone and that really fucking scared me. So I spent the day vegging on the couch trying to calm down and keep my mind off of anything that might freak me out. Then my mom got home and it started all again because I didn't know whether to tell her what had happened or just deal with it, but as soon as she walked in the door, the water works started and I couldn't stop myself from telling her everything. I had also made a frantic call toy Aunt Donna and had to call back and tell her it was just a moment of despair. I've had these little freak-outs before, but not to this extreme of having them every few minutes and feeling as if I will pass out any minute. I could only draw one conclusion: the birth control I had started about three weeks ago was really fucking with me. Birth control pills aren't meant to do that, but I just think my body cannot take it. This all repeated last night and this morning and I am finally somewhat calm. Getting on the net and playing some loud music has taken me away from that shit in my mind...for now. I have missed a lot of school and that worries me, actually the fact that I've missed so much math is what scares me, everything else is easy peasy.

i'm out